Unexpected Emotions

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been separated from my husband and children for about a year for work purposes.  It has been a year full of different emotions, some expected, some unexpected.  Missing my only daughter's first birthday, first words, first steps....  hearing that my sons often whined for Mommy at bedtime... not being with them for the holidays; those were things I expected to be difficult.  People would often say to me, "You are so strong.  I could never do what you are doing and be separated from my children for so long."  I know they mean well but sometimes all I get from that is, "I love my kids too much to leave them like that so you must not love yours as much as I love mine."  I know it's my guilt talking but really, telling me how much you couldn't leave your children doesn't make me feel better about the fact that I have been able to leave mine.... especially when there were times that I enjoyed this last year, which was something I didn't expect.

There are things about this year that I hated, but as much as I hated it, I enjoyed it too.  I did some sightseeing, started running and lifting weights, and enjoyed my alone-time.  I didn't think I could ever get used to being without my children but I did, which makes me feel guilty.  Does it mean I love my children any less?  No.  It just means I learned to adapt; but I still feel guilt in the back of my mind.  I guess that guilt should be reassuring since it proves that I love my family.  If I didn't, I wouldn't feel guilty right?

As this year comes to a close and I look forward to going back to live with my beautiful family again, I'm filled with a whole new set of mixed emotions.  Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED and totally excited and happy to get to be with my children and husband again.  But there is this small part of me that is a little anxious.  I've been so focused on how I will get my children re-adjusted to having mommy in the house again that I haven't considered the possibility that I will need to do some re-adjusting of my own.  I'm sure everything will go back to normal when I get home and I and my children will all adjust just fine but I can't help but feel guilty (again) at the fact that I even need to adjust to life with my own children.  I know I'm not the only person that has ever felt this way and that is comforting.  I also know there are people who have never spent a day away from their children who wouldn't understand at all what I am feeling.  This year has definitely given me a new respect for people who frequently have to be separated from their kids for long periods of time.  It sucks.

I Have an Idea.... Again.

I've often thought about writing a book.  I get ideas for fiction novels all the time but I don't write them down or do anything with them.  I started writing a book in junior high once.  My teacher was editing it for me but come on, I was junior high... The book wasn't going to become a New York Times best seller.  I got another idea for a novel this past week and I particularly like this one.  I'm actually thinking about giving it a shot but honestly, I'm terrified.  I don't consider myself to be a talented writer.  Actually, I KNOW I'm not a talented writer.  I know this because every time I turn in an English paper, I'm pretty sure my instructor has to buy a new red pen.  However, I'm still thinking about giving it a try.  After all, authors have editors for a reason right?

Grammar and spelling aren't what terrifies me though.  What terrifies me is that if I write a book, in order for it to ever become an actual book, someone will have to read it.  That scares the crap out of me.  I've read a lot of really great novels... but I've also started a lot of novels that I put down after a few chapters because they were crap.  I don't want to write crap.  What if I spend a year pouring words onto page after page only to have someone tell me it's horrible and will never be published... or worse, have it end up on the cheesy romance novel 99 cent rack?  I don't want to write a cheesy romance novel.  I don't want Harlequin stamped across the top.  I want to write a book that draws you in, that makes you fall in love with the characters, that makes you stay up late at night wanting to read just one more page.  The problem is, I don't know if I can do that.  I firmly believe that character development is the most important aspect for writing a good fiction novel.  That also happens to be the hardest part about writing for me.  I have scenes already planned out in my head but how do I make them come alive to people?  How do I draw a reader in?  I have no idea.

I told my latest idea to my husband, and although it isn't his genre of choice, he had some pretty good ideas for character development that I hadn't thought of.  He thinks I should go for it.  But he is also my amazingly supportive husband that would stand behind me for any stupid idea I come up with.  Still, knowing he's behind me, believing in me, just might be the fuel I need.  If all my discussions with him are as productive as the one we had the other day, I may even have to put him down as a co-author. :)

I think I'm going to just start writing and see where it goes and hope it doesn't go to the bottom of a bargain bin at Wal-Mart.  I'm going to need a good editor.....

The Magical World of Dreamland

They say everyone dreams but not everyone remembers their dreams.  My husband is one of those people. I think during our entire marriage he's only had about 2 dreams that he vaguely remembered.  I on the other hand, am the complete opposite.  I sometimes feel like I have a whole second life when I'm sleeping.  I have at least one dream that I remember at least 4 nights a week and they are very vivid.

When I was little, I saw a lot of violence.  My step-father at the time, beat my mother pretty often and I saw most of it.  At that time child abuse was a big deal and your kids could get taken away in a heartbeat but if you beat your wife, you got one night in the slammer and then it was business as usual.  I figured out early on that if I got in the way when he was hitting my mother, I could interrupt the beating session because he didn't want to hit me and I started trying to protect her.  To this day, I have very clear memories from that time in my life and I am very grateful that my brother was too young to remember any of it.  Why am I telling you this?  Because that is when my dreams started.... or I should say nightmares.

Shortly after my mom split up with that idiot, I started having vivid, terrifying nightmares.  They lasted for years.  I would wake up screaming and would often times end up in bed with my mother.  She tried everything to make them stop... she even bought me a dream catcher to hang over my bed and told me it would filter out the bad dreams and only let the good ones through.  That worked for a while but eventually the nightmares came back.  As I got older, the nightmares matured but I no longer went running into my mother's room.  I can remember waking up some nights and being terrified to get up or make a sound and definitely couldn't go back to sleep.  I think I was around 10 years old when I went to a friend's house and saw my first horror movie.  (They were not allowed in our house.)  It was "Nightmare on Elm Street" and although it is a movie that would give most young kids nightmares, I think it actually may have cured mine because shortly after seeing that movie, my nightmares ended and I developed one of my favorite dream habits; lucid dreaming.

I don't remember that movie well but I do remember that the main character would have nightmares about Freddie Krueger who would try to kill her in the dream.  The way she defeats him in the end had something to do with her ability to realize she is dreaming and then she can control the situation.  After seeing that movie I thought that if I could do that, if I could realize I'm dreaming during a nightmare, then I could end it.  It worked.  I didn't understand it fully at the time, but I actually taught myself to lucid dream.

It was a slow process.  At first, I could recognize I was in a nightmare but I couldn't do anything about it.  I would be completely frozen in the dream and couldn't even run away, which actually made it more scary.  After that phase came the phase where I would just wake up once I realized I was dreaming.  Eventually I got to the point where I could realize I was in a dream, stay asleep, and completely take control of what happened.  This is now one of my favorite parts about sleeping.

I rarely have nightmares now but at least a few times a month I will be dreaming, realize I'm dreaming and then proceed to do all the things I can't do in real life.  I've had dates with movie stars, bought billion dollar houses, travelled, told people off, quit my job... you name it... I've done it from the comfort of my warm bed.

I recently googled lucid dreaming because I was curious as to whether or not it could be used as a treatment for nightmares.  Of course it's been done, but I say screw paying a gazillion bucks on therapy and pop in a Freddie Krueger movie and you'll be all set. :)

Sometimes I wonder if my brain actually works better when I'm sleeping.  My husband and I often chat about life when we are in bed before we fall asleep.  We talk about problems or plans we have and mull over possibilities.  Sometimes there will be a situation we just don't know how to handle and we drift off to sleep talking about it.  My husband teases me because I will wake up in the morning with the a solution or plan that, according to him, has enough detail to fill up and hour-long power-point presentation.  The first time he asked me how I came up with an idea like that, I thought about it and said, "I don't know.  I went to sleep thinking about it and woke up with this idea.  I must have figured it out in my sleep."   

Maybe the reason he can sleep for 4 hours and be good to go for the day, while I need my 8 hours or I'm a zombie, is because his brain can actually shut off when he's sleeping and mine just keeps on working all night long.... but honestly, I like it that way.

What was I gonna say?

I keep getting ideas for blog posts when I'm busy.  I've been making 'mental notes' to come back and write about various topics when I have a spare moment but then when I do have some spare time, I forget every single topic I had wanted to write about.  I think it's time to stop making mental notes and start taking a few minutes to jot down some real notes.