Well we finally took our vacuum-lovin' little man to the doctor. His 4-year-old check up was earlier this month and I mentioned our concerns about him to the pediatrician. She said his behavior is not totally abnormal but it doesn't sound normal either so she referred us to a child psychologist, if only to give us some peace of mind. I have mixed feelings about our pediatrician and was expecting to have to be pushy to get a referral so I was pleasantly surprised that she was so understanding. First hurdle... cleared.
About a week later we took Little Man to the psychologist. I had no idea what to expect going into that appointment. I had never gone to one before. It was long. First she talked to me and Dad together. Then she talked to each of us individually and spend some time alone with Little Man. At the end she sat down with us and gave us her thoughts. I think that without realizing it, I had been expecting some big revelation from her and I was sorely disappointed. I need some time to process and mull things over and by that evening I was so confused and angry. She said that Little Man was cognitively on track but he has some developmental delays. Ok.... what are they? She said she couldn't give him a diagnosis of Asperger's at this time. Ok... what does that mean? That we should watch for it later? That it's too early to tell? That it's completely ruled out? (mind you, I didn't mention Asperger's at all to her. She brought it up.) She said she thinks it's more of a parenting issue and she wants to work with us to tackle Little Man's problems from a parenting angle and she referred us to a program through the county school system to evaluate him and address his developmental delays. That part was difficult not to take personally. What does she mean it's a "parenting issue"? We are sucky parents? Our other kids seem to be doing fine. I think what she meant was that it is an issue that we may be able to solve by adjusting our parenting but at the time, I was sensitive and didn't see it that way. She recommended that we read a book called "1-2-3 Magic" which has been awesome for our other son and our daughter but it only works about half the time with Little Man. We have learned that if Little Man is having one of his irrational melt-downs, no amount of counting and rest periods are going to solve the issue or calm him down. Sometimes it actually makes it worse to give him a rest-period that if we just let him tantrum it out.
Another thing she said didn't sit right with me and I didn't realize why until after I had had some time to think. I had mentioned before that I was gone for a year due to my job. The psychologist said that sometimes when a parent leaves like that, the child will go on a developmental hiatus and just stop developing while the parent is gone. At first I thought that was strange just because in my career field, people have to leave their kids for long periods of time pretty often and I've never heard of any kids going on a "developmental hiatus". Must be a pretty rare thing... but then I realized, Little Man had all these problems before I even left. I had mentioned the autism spectrum to my husband well before then. So if he already had these issues when I left, how could they be due to my leaving? Unless his behaviors were normal for a 2 1/2 year old and aren't normal for a 4 year old?
Anyway, I didn't feel any more enlightened after that appointment than I did before. If anything I just felt like a crappy mom who somehow damaged her child. I'm dreading going back to this woman.
We called the county program the psychologist recommended and Little Man has his first appointment next month. I had thought the psychologist visits would be the more in-depth of the two but it looks like the county program will be the more in-depth. They asked me a LOT of questions about Little Man to prepare the team for his first appointment. At the first appointment, which they call a 'team meeting', there will be a child psychologist, a nurse, a speech and hearing therapist, and a special education provider present. Again, I have no idea what to expect from this but from what I've learned, they will gather information to decide what they should evaluate Little Man for.
This is all so foreign to me. I hate not knowing what to expect or not knowing if I'm doing the right thing. I talked to a friend from high school that I haven't talked to in years because she has 2 kids on the autism spectrum and I just wanted to ask her some questions. I'm SO glad I talked to her. It was such a comfort to me to have someone understand exactly how I feel and to give me some insight on how to handle people and therapists and my own feelings. I have never really needed much support from people or had a problem feeling alone in something until this and it was such a relief to know that she had been through this exact same thing and knew exactly how I felt before I even finished a sentence.
All of this is making me very impatient. I have been feeling like I should leave my job for a while. I wish I could just quit tomorrow but I can't for several reasons. I want to focus on my kids. I want to be a stay at home mom for a few years at least. I feel like God is leading me that way and things are already starting to fall into place as far as preparation. The things that aren't falling into place, well, I think I just need to trust that God will take care of that part. Hopefully sometime next fall, I can't punch out for the last time... and I can't wait. My kids are more important than any amount of money.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
So I've done awesome at keeping up with my Monday and Friday posts eh? I never was good at consistency. Fitness Fridays will be pointless for a while since I can't do any physical activity for at least two weeks. Fun.
About two weeks ago I went to the dermatologist because I had two moles that looked funny. One was on my arm and didn't look too weird but it had grown a lot in a short amount of time. The other one was on my leg. It originally looked like a small, dark beauty mark but then this orange-ish waxy blister-like thing started growing over it but never popped like a blister. The dermatologist decided to biopsy both of them. Good. Then I wouldn't have to worry about them every time I looked at them. I fully expected everything to come back normally because I don't have the typical skin type for skin cancer. I have dark hair and eyes and olive toned skin that tans easily. I'm good right?
The biopsy part was pretty easy. They numb the area and take a razor blade and shave it off. No big deal. For some reason I passed out and thought I was gonna puke. I'm not sure why. Doc said it totally normal and uncontrollable but I'm not even squeamish so I thought it was weird.
The pathology report for the mole on my arm came back clear but unfortunately the one on my leg, although it wasn't cancerous, had some cells around the edges that were "concerning" and if any were left in the surrounding skin, it could turn into melanoma later. Oh great. I was really disappointed because this now means that I have to watch all the spots on my skin for the rest of my life. But it wasn't cancer so that's good at least.
The doctor told me they wanted me to come back so they can remove the skin around the mole on my leg. It would be a simple procedure... an hour would be enough time. Ha! What I didn't know was that "procedure" meant "surgery" and "an hour" meant the surgery would take an hour, not the whole appointment.
So I check in to my appointment. Thank God I brought my husband. They lead me to a room. At this point, I still think I'm having a "procedure"... like last time. But the room they put me in was definitely an operating room. I looked at my husband and was like, "Uh.... this isn't like last time. This is a little much for what I thought they were doing." Then they start telling me about my "surgery". There will be a resident, a senior resident, and attending, and a nurse in the room. They will be cutting about a 5mm margin around the mole site. "Okay, that's little," I think. The doc starts marking up my leg and the circle they're cutting out looks huge.... slightly larger than a quarter. The doctor is like, "It looks big but it's not that big." At this point, I'm getting nervous, the spotty vision is starting up again and I'm getting hot. This was not at all what I had expected.
They get me all covered, in position, and numbed up. Before they start, I ask for ice. Ice helps with the passing out. I did NOT want to pass out. I didn't see them start because I was focused on breathing and cooling myself off but once I felt stable, I leaned up on my elbows so I could watch. Holy crap! It was fascinating! My leg was wide open. Like.... Wide open. My whole hand would have barely covered the open part of my leg. They had to cut the circle of skin out but then they had to cut two triangle pieces from opposite sides of the circle so that they could sew up a neat line with stitches. So by the time they were done with all the cutting, there was a fairly large, football-shaped opening in my leg. The doctor started snipping out little pieces of fat because it gets in the way when they sew you up. I grabbed a piece that she cut off so I could see what it feels like.... pretty cool. Under the fat, I could see my muscle. I actually got to look at one of my quads. It was awesome. They have to separate the skin from the tissue underneath around the edges of the incision so they can easily sew the skin together. The whole process was amazing to watch. It was the first time that I really felt regret about not going to medical school. That could have been me. I could have been the one sticking my hands in peoples legs. I could still be a nurse I guess, and get to watch doctors stick their hands in people.... not the same but still cool.
Now I'm at home. I'm still too sore to go to work although the doc said I could go. The incision runs right along the edge of my quad... right above the knee and it's black and blue and angry right now. Every time I flex that muscle, it hurts. I'm a little nervous to drive since it's my driving leg. I can't do much. No exercise whatsoever for at least 2 weeks and I need to keep the kids away from my lap. Today, I'm gonna veg out on my bed, knit, and watch tv.
About two weeks ago I went to the dermatologist because I had two moles that looked funny. One was on my arm and didn't look too weird but it had grown a lot in a short amount of time. The other one was on my leg. It originally looked like a small, dark beauty mark but then this orange-ish waxy blister-like thing started growing over it but never popped like a blister. The dermatologist decided to biopsy both of them. Good. Then I wouldn't have to worry about them every time I looked at them. I fully expected everything to come back normally because I don't have the typical skin type for skin cancer. I have dark hair and eyes and olive toned skin that tans easily. I'm good right?
The biopsy part was pretty easy. They numb the area and take a razor blade and shave it off. No big deal. For some reason I passed out and thought I was gonna puke. I'm not sure why. Doc said it totally normal and uncontrollable but I'm not even squeamish so I thought it was weird.
The pathology report for the mole on my arm came back clear but unfortunately the one on my leg, although it wasn't cancerous, had some cells around the edges that were "concerning" and if any were left in the surrounding skin, it could turn into melanoma later. Oh great. I was really disappointed because this now means that I have to watch all the spots on my skin for the rest of my life. But it wasn't cancer so that's good at least.
The doctor told me they wanted me to come back so they can remove the skin around the mole on my leg. It would be a simple procedure... an hour would be enough time. Ha! What I didn't know was that "procedure" meant "surgery" and "an hour" meant the surgery would take an hour, not the whole appointment.
So I check in to my appointment. Thank God I brought my husband. They lead me to a room. At this point, I still think I'm having a "procedure"... like last time. But the room they put me in was definitely an operating room. I looked at my husband and was like, "Uh.... this isn't like last time. This is a little much for what I thought they were doing." Then they start telling me about my "surgery". There will be a resident, a senior resident, and attending, and a nurse in the room. They will be cutting about a 5mm margin around the mole site. "Okay, that's little," I think. The doc starts marking up my leg and the circle they're cutting out looks huge.... slightly larger than a quarter. The doctor is like, "It looks big but it's not that big." At this point, I'm getting nervous, the spotty vision is starting up again and I'm getting hot. This was not at all what I had expected.
They get me all covered, in position, and numbed up. Before they start, I ask for ice. Ice helps with the passing out. I did NOT want to pass out. I didn't see them start because I was focused on breathing and cooling myself off but once I felt stable, I leaned up on my elbows so I could watch. Holy crap! It was fascinating! My leg was wide open. Like.... Wide open. My whole hand would have barely covered the open part of my leg. They had to cut the circle of skin out but then they had to cut two triangle pieces from opposite sides of the circle so that they could sew up a neat line with stitches. So by the time they were done with all the cutting, there was a fairly large, football-shaped opening in my leg. The doctor started snipping out little pieces of fat because it gets in the way when they sew you up. I grabbed a piece that she cut off so I could see what it feels like.... pretty cool. Under the fat, I could see my muscle. I actually got to look at one of my quads. It was awesome. They have to separate the skin from the tissue underneath around the edges of the incision so they can easily sew the skin together. The whole process was amazing to watch. It was the first time that I really felt regret about not going to medical school. That could have been me. I could have been the one sticking my hands in peoples legs. I could still be a nurse I guess, and get to watch doctors stick their hands in people.... not the same but still cool.
Now I'm at home. I'm still too sore to go to work although the doc said I could go. The incision runs right along the edge of my quad... right above the knee and it's black and blue and angry right now. Every time I flex that muscle, it hurts. I'm a little nervous to drive since it's my driving leg. I can't do much. No exercise whatsoever for at least 2 weeks and I need to keep the kids away from my lap. Today, I'm gonna veg out on my bed, knit, and watch tv.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Getting There
Fitness Friday!... I need to get better at posting these on the right day!
I started out the week on track. Monday was great! I ran in the morning and went to the gym in the afternoon. Took the dog for a long walk on Tuesday and did some working out Wednesday morning. The last half of the week wasn't so great. I hate when life gets in the way but I'm encouraged to know I can get there on a normal week. My oldest son has something wrong with is leg that no one can figure out and I had a couple moles biopsied this week and those things combined threw off my routine the last couple days.
My eating however, wasn't great this week. I didn't stick to my awesome diet that I had last week.... mostly because my husband did the grocery shopping and didn't get all the fruits and veggies he bought the week before. I should have gone to the store and got some but I didn't. FAIL.
I feel like an old car that's sputtering to get started but once I'm running, I'll be good to go. As long as I don't get turned off again.
I started out the week on track. Monday was great! I ran in the morning and went to the gym in the afternoon. Took the dog for a long walk on Tuesday and did some working out Wednesday morning. The last half of the week wasn't so great. I hate when life gets in the way but I'm encouraged to know I can get there on a normal week. My oldest son has something wrong with is leg that no one can figure out and I had a couple moles biopsied this week and those things combined threw off my routine the last couple days.
My eating however, wasn't great this week. I didn't stick to my awesome diet that I had last week.... mostly because my husband did the grocery shopping and didn't get all the fruits and veggies he bought the week before. I should have gone to the store and got some but I didn't. FAIL.
I feel like an old car that's sputtering to get started but once I'm running, I'll be good to go. As long as I don't get turned off again.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
God, Give Me Patience
So my son, the one I talked about in my last post, the lover of the vacuum.... he drove me CRAZY today. I wanted to take the vacuum and smash it into little pieces, put it in the blender, and then burn it. He talked about the vacuum for most of the day and every time I walked out of the room, he pulled it out of the closet. I caught him in the bedroom with it, in the living room, wheeling it into his playroom. One time I walked into the living room and there he was, petting it, like it was his prized possession. At bedtime, he said he wanted me to vacuum so I told him the vacuum needed to sleep. Maybe if he thought the vacuum was sleeping, he wouldn't get out of bed to touch it one more time. NOPE! He had to sneak out of his room to see if the vacuum was laying down. For the love of God!!
Today was definitely a test of my patience.
I did more Asberger's research today too. I took a couple of quizzes I found that ask you a bunch of questions about your kid and it tells you the likelihood that they have it. They all said he probably doesn't have it because he doesn't have any social problems (aside from the eye contact issue). That's good.... that he probably doesn't have Asberger's... but where does that leave us? Where are these crazy obsessions coming from? What about his need for certain routines? What about when he screeches like a 2-year old when something sets him off? Is he just a brat? A 'difficult' child?
I'm still going to talk to the doctor about it. If anything, I'll be able to find out that my kid is just 'difficult' and I can be tougher on disciplining him without feeling guilty or worrying about an underlying issue.
Until then, God, give me patience.
And if you're reading this, pray for my little man.
Today was definitely a test of my patience.
I did more Asberger's research today too. I took a couple of quizzes I found that ask you a bunch of questions about your kid and it tells you the likelihood that they have it. They all said he probably doesn't have it because he doesn't have any social problems (aside from the eye contact issue). That's good.... that he probably doesn't have Asberger's... but where does that leave us? Where are these crazy obsessions coming from? What about his need for certain routines? What about when he screeches like a 2-year old when something sets him off? Is he just a brat? A 'difficult' child?
I'm still going to talk to the doctor about it. If anything, I'll be able to find out that my kid is just 'difficult' and I can be tougher on disciplining him without feeling guilty or worrying about an underlying issue.
Until then, God, give me patience.
And if you're reading this, pray for my little man.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Quirky
My younger son is quirky. That's the best way to describe him. Quirky. Ever since he started talking, he's been obsessed with the vacuum cleaner. He's four now. Most people think it's cute. I used to think it was cute too. Now I just worry. I feel like I'm always fighting with the vacuum to get his attention. Now that he's added lawnmowers to his obsession, I feel like I will never win.
"Why did you hit your sister?"
"Mommy, we have a black vacuum."
"What do you want for lunch?"
"Is Daddy gonna lownmower the yard?"
"You gonna go pee pee and poo poo in the potty today?"
"Mommy, are you gonna vacuum?"
We played Chutes and Ladders the other day. Curse the man who put a picture of a kid mowing the lawn on there. Once he saw that, it was exponentially difficult to get him to play the game.
"Your turn honey."
"Mommy, whats that?"
"It's a lawnmower. Spin the spinner."
"What's he doing?"
"He's mowing the lawn. You got a four. Can you move your guy four squares?"
"He's mowing the lawn to cut the grass."
"Yes honey, can we count to four?"
Repeat that till the game is over.
Sometimes I want to scream.
I don't want to say he is my favorite kid. I don't have a favorite. I love all my kids equally, but differently, if that makes sense. Since the day my younger son was born I've had a feeling about him.... a feeling I can't explain. Like he needs to be protected more than the others. Or that he needs more attention than the others. It's amazing how mother's intuition works... that I knew from the day he was born that he was different. Different isn't bad, it's just different.
His obsessions are just one of his quirks. He lines up the alphabet magnets into a square every time he goes into the kitchen. I worry that he'll never be potty trained. He rarely looks at me when I'm talking to him and I'm constantly trying to get him to focus. We call him "the destroyer". He's broken more toys than I care to count because he's either too rough with them, or he uses them for his own creative purposes. Don't even think about changing his routine.... the meltdown that follows isn't worth it. I'm learning that it isn't all routines. Some things I can change and he does fine. But don't change his seat at the dinner table. Just don't do it. It isn't pretty. Recently I've noticed that sometimes he reverts to babyhood. Like when he's mad he makes this noise that 2 year olds make. I can't seem to get him to stop doing it.
Sometimes I feel like he just isn't there. He's off in his own little made-up world full of vacuums and lawnmowers.
He brings me my lowest lows. Lows where I want to pull all my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs. But he brings me my highest highs too. Highs where I'm laughing until tears are streaming down my face and I can't catch my breath. And he's the best snuggler. You can't snuggle with him without falling asleep. It just isn't possible. He snuggles his little body up to you in such a way that he can't possibly get any closer and it melts your heart. My husband says we should rent him out to insomniac clinics because he could single handedly cure everyone in an hour.
I'm starting a notebook and writing down all his quirks because I can't think of them all at one time. I've only written a fraction of them above. Some could be attributed to his age. Maybe he's just a quirky kid but I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that tells me otherwise. At his next check-up in August we are going to talk to the doctor about getting him tested for Asberger's Syndrome. It may still be too early for them to know for sure, but if he doesn't have it, they'll be able to rule it out. If he has it, I don't know what that means. I watch Parenthood. The kid on there, Max, has Asberger's. Is that what my son will be like in a few years? TV isn't reality I know, but that's all I have to go on. I've never known anyone on the Autism spectrum. I have to idea what it would mean for my son... or for how we parent him. I guess we'll cross that bridge if and when we get to it.
"Why did you hit your sister?"
"Mommy, we have a black vacuum."
"What do you want for lunch?"
"Is Daddy gonna lownmower the yard?"
"You gonna go pee pee and poo poo in the potty today?"
"Mommy, are you gonna vacuum?"
We played Chutes and Ladders the other day. Curse the man who put a picture of a kid mowing the lawn on there. Once he saw that, it was exponentially difficult to get him to play the game.
"Your turn honey."
"Mommy, whats that?"
"It's a lawnmower. Spin the spinner."
"What's he doing?"
"He's mowing the lawn. You got a four. Can you move your guy four squares?"
"He's mowing the lawn to cut the grass."
"Yes honey, can we count to four?"
Repeat that till the game is over.
Sometimes I want to scream.
I don't want to say he is my favorite kid. I don't have a favorite. I love all my kids equally, but differently, if that makes sense. Since the day my younger son was born I've had a feeling about him.... a feeling I can't explain. Like he needs to be protected more than the others. Or that he needs more attention than the others. It's amazing how mother's intuition works... that I knew from the day he was born that he was different. Different isn't bad, it's just different.
His obsessions are just one of his quirks. He lines up the alphabet magnets into a square every time he goes into the kitchen. I worry that he'll never be potty trained. He rarely looks at me when I'm talking to him and I'm constantly trying to get him to focus. We call him "the destroyer". He's broken more toys than I care to count because he's either too rough with them, or he uses them for his own creative purposes. Don't even think about changing his routine.... the meltdown that follows isn't worth it. I'm learning that it isn't all routines. Some things I can change and he does fine. But don't change his seat at the dinner table. Just don't do it. It isn't pretty. Recently I've noticed that sometimes he reverts to babyhood. Like when he's mad he makes this noise that 2 year olds make. I can't seem to get him to stop doing it.
Sometimes I feel like he just isn't there. He's off in his own little made-up world full of vacuums and lawnmowers.
He brings me my lowest lows. Lows where I want to pull all my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs. But he brings me my highest highs too. Highs where I'm laughing until tears are streaming down my face and I can't catch my breath. And he's the best snuggler. You can't snuggle with him without falling asleep. It just isn't possible. He snuggles his little body up to you in such a way that he can't possibly get any closer and it melts your heart. My husband says we should rent him out to insomniac clinics because he could single handedly cure everyone in an hour.
I'm starting a notebook and writing down all his quirks because I can't think of them all at one time. I've only written a fraction of them above. Some could be attributed to his age. Maybe he's just a quirky kid but I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that tells me otherwise. At his next check-up in August we are going to talk to the doctor about getting him tested for Asberger's Syndrome. It may still be too early for them to know for sure, but if he doesn't have it, they'll be able to rule it out. If he has it, I don't know what that means. I watch Parenthood. The kid on there, Max, has Asberger's. Is that what my son will be like in a few years? TV isn't reality I know, but that's all I have to go on. I've never known anyone on the Autism spectrum. I have to idea what it would mean for my son... or for how we parent him. I guess we'll cross that bridge if and when we get to it.
Total Bust
Fitness Friday! At this rate, maybe I should start calling it Fat Friday. This week was a total bust. My youngest had a raging fever on Monday so I didn't go to work. I pretty much laid with her on our giant beanbag chair ALL DAY LONG. Tuesday, I actually went to work but I was exhausted because I was up most of the previous two nights with the sick little one who decided we should have a chat ever hour, on the hour. Wednesday was the holiday... pretty much a weekend in the middle of the week. And Thursday and today I was off work. I did a lot of reading, tv watching, writing. I got a lot of relaxing and brainstorming done. I'd say my brain got some exercise but my body sure didn't. I gained back a few pounds.
I desperately need my routine to start. Monday starts a normal work week.... a normal week full of ROUTINE. I need routine.... it fuels motivation which I have none of right now. Zip. Zero. NONE.
So here's to hoping next week's blog post is a Fitness Friday and not a Fat Friday.
I desperately need my routine to start. Monday starts a normal work week.... a normal week full of ROUTINE. I need routine.... it fuels motivation which I have none of right now. Zip. Zero. NONE.
So here's to hoping next week's blog post is a Fitness Friday and not a Fat Friday.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Marriage Monday- Finances
Marriage Monday... better late than never right?
Supposedly one of the biggest causes for divorce is finances. Money problems. People fighting about money?? No... never... (this is where I need a sarcasm font.)
Hubs and I have never had a single disagreement about finances. Ever.
On the other hand, Ex and I fought about money ALL the time and it probably was a big factor in our split.
What is different? Everything.
The following lists the major things I think help remove arguments about money.
1. Make a budget. If you don't have a monthly budget, how on earth will you be able to plan for anything? How can you save money? How will you know how big of a car payment or mortgage you can afford? The simple answer is that you can't. You would not believe how many people don't keep a budget. No wonder they fight about money all the time.
You don't have to do anything fancy... No fancy programs. A notebook will do. Up until a couple years ago, I did all my budgeting in a notebook. (Now I use excel) The most basic way to do a budget is to write down all your monthly expenses and monthly income. Then break the income down by pay periods and figure out what bills you will pay for each pay period. Don't forget to leave money for groceries, gas, and a little fun.
Unless you are a millionaire or have and endless income, you should have a budget.
You don't have to do the budget together. I do all the budgeting and handle the finances in our house. BUT, you should review it together at least once a month. Both spouses should always know where the money is going.
2. Have a joint checking and savings account. This is my personal preference. If you have separate accounts and it works for you, great. But, I'm a firm believer that once you get married to someone, it doesn't matter who makes what amount of money. You are two people working as one entity.... or you should be. I don't believe bills should be broken up as to who pays what and who makes what. You aren't roommates; you're married. Maybe I'm wrong but I think a lot of people like to keep their money separate 'just in case'. Just in case of what? Divorce? Separation? Your spouse wipes you out and runs? If you're worried about that sort of thing or don't trust your spouse, there is a deeper problem than money. Any income coming into the home belongs to both of you. Any bill belonging to your household belongs to both of you. You are a team.
Additionally, having one, joint account forces you to communicate!
3. Communicate! (there's that 'c' word again!) If you do the above two things and don't communicate, you are still going to have a problem. As I mentioned in a previous post, Ex was terrible with money... always spending hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars on his truck without talking to me about it. On the flip side, I was doing the budgeting and probably didn't involve him in that enough. As I said above, one person can make the budget, but both parties should be reviewing it together. Both parties should know what your financial situation is. If one spouse were to get hit by a bus, the other spouse should know enough about your financial situation to be able to take it over with full knowledge of how your budgeting system works. Hubs and I sit down at least once a month but usually every pay period when I pay the bills, and I fill him in on what bills I paid, how much I put in savings, and what we have left over. If either of us has a big purchase we want to make in the near future, we bring it up at that time so that it can be budgeted in. Also, the reason I said a joint checking account forces you to communicate is because, you can't just go spend money on a whim without talking to your spouse first. What if you both did that at the same time and came home to no money because he spent $300 and you spend $295 and you only had $600 in your account? Oops. Hubs and I have an unspoken rule. If either of us is going to spend over $100 on something, we give the other one a courtesy call. Not kidding. Now, this doesn't happen all the time. If I go to Target, Hubs knows I'm probably spending at least $150. (That place is dangerous!) But if I'm spending an unplanned amount of money or if I'm at the mall, and I want to buy a shirt that is really cute but has a hefty price tag, I'll call him to see what he thinks. Even though I'm the one that does the finances, and I know that we can afford it, he deserves to weigh in on big purchases. For each couple, the dollar threshold for a "courtesy call" will be different. Maybe $50 dollars. Or maybe you can afford it to be $200.
Just sit down once in a while and talk about money. Goals are important to discuss. Do you want to buy a new car in the future, a house, or go on a vacation? Discuss it. Figure out together how much you can afford or what changes you can make in your daily spending to allow you to accomplish your goals TOGETHER.
So that's my 2 cents on finances. (haha! Get it?)
See you Monday.
Supposedly one of the biggest causes for divorce is finances. Money problems. People fighting about money?? No... never... (this is where I need a sarcasm font.)
Hubs and I have never had a single disagreement about finances. Ever.
On the other hand, Ex and I fought about money ALL the time and it probably was a big factor in our split.
What is different? Everything.
The following lists the major things I think help remove arguments about money.
1. Make a budget. If you don't have a monthly budget, how on earth will you be able to plan for anything? How can you save money? How will you know how big of a car payment or mortgage you can afford? The simple answer is that you can't. You would not believe how many people don't keep a budget. No wonder they fight about money all the time.
You don't have to do anything fancy... No fancy programs. A notebook will do. Up until a couple years ago, I did all my budgeting in a notebook. (Now I use excel) The most basic way to do a budget is to write down all your monthly expenses and monthly income. Then break the income down by pay periods and figure out what bills you will pay for each pay period. Don't forget to leave money for groceries, gas, and a little fun.
Unless you are a millionaire or have and endless income, you should have a budget.
You don't have to do the budget together. I do all the budgeting and handle the finances in our house. BUT, you should review it together at least once a month. Both spouses should always know where the money is going.
2. Have a joint checking and savings account. This is my personal preference. If you have separate accounts and it works for you, great. But, I'm a firm believer that once you get married to someone, it doesn't matter who makes what amount of money. You are two people working as one entity.... or you should be. I don't believe bills should be broken up as to who pays what and who makes what. You aren't roommates; you're married. Maybe I'm wrong but I think a lot of people like to keep their money separate 'just in case'. Just in case of what? Divorce? Separation? Your spouse wipes you out and runs? If you're worried about that sort of thing or don't trust your spouse, there is a deeper problem than money. Any income coming into the home belongs to both of you. Any bill belonging to your household belongs to both of you. You are a team.
Additionally, having one, joint account forces you to communicate!
3. Communicate! (there's that 'c' word again!) If you do the above two things and don't communicate, you are still going to have a problem. As I mentioned in a previous post, Ex was terrible with money... always spending hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars on his truck without talking to me about it. On the flip side, I was doing the budgeting and probably didn't involve him in that enough. As I said above, one person can make the budget, but both parties should be reviewing it together. Both parties should know what your financial situation is. If one spouse were to get hit by a bus, the other spouse should know enough about your financial situation to be able to take it over with full knowledge of how your budgeting system works. Hubs and I sit down at least once a month but usually every pay period when I pay the bills, and I fill him in on what bills I paid, how much I put in savings, and what we have left over. If either of us has a big purchase we want to make in the near future, we bring it up at that time so that it can be budgeted in. Also, the reason I said a joint checking account forces you to communicate is because, you can't just go spend money on a whim without talking to your spouse first. What if you both did that at the same time and came home to no money because he spent $300 and you spend $295 and you only had $600 in your account? Oops. Hubs and I have an unspoken rule. If either of us is going to spend over $100 on something, we give the other one a courtesy call. Not kidding. Now, this doesn't happen all the time. If I go to Target, Hubs knows I'm probably spending at least $150. (That place is dangerous!) But if I'm spending an unplanned amount of money or if I'm at the mall, and I want to buy a shirt that is really cute but has a hefty price tag, I'll call him to see what he thinks. Even though I'm the one that does the finances, and I know that we can afford it, he deserves to weigh in on big purchases. For each couple, the dollar threshold for a "courtesy call" will be different. Maybe $50 dollars. Or maybe you can afford it to be $200.
Just sit down once in a while and talk about money. Goals are important to discuss. Do you want to buy a new car in the future, a house, or go on a vacation? Discuss it. Figure out together how much you can afford or what changes you can make in your daily spending to allow you to accomplish your goals TOGETHER.
So that's my 2 cents on finances. (haha! Get it?)
See you Monday.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Fitness Friday (week one)
Well I'm late with my first Fitness Friday post. I was so sick yesterday that I left work early and spent the rest of the day in bed. I think I need to be better about getting enough sleep. I've been up late every night studying for a test and it has taken its toll on me.
So overall this wasn't a bad week for me. I didn't work out much this week. I'm still having a hard time figuring out a schedule that works enough for me to get into a routine. I need routine in order to stay consistent. I'm going to try something new next week. I'm changing my work hours so that I can go to work one hour later every morning. My husband will take the kids to daycare and I will do my runs before work. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I will go to the gym for weight training after work. I'm going to stick to the two workout programs I was doing in California until I get the routine down (Ease into 10K and iPersonalTrainer). These were working well for me then and are a good starting point for me. After I get back to where I was, I'll look at branching out with different routines and adding interval training. I'm not focused so much on being hard-core right now as I am just getting back into a pattern since I know that without a routine, I will ultimately fail. Hopefully the new schedule I've worked out will do the trick... especially since I can keep it once my oldest starts Kindergarten in August.
While I didn't do so well in the exercise department this week, I did great on the diet end. Hubs has been cooking every night... not super crazy diet food but generally healthy food with flavor. Many of his recipes have been from Epicurous and are delicious. I also have been taking my lunch to work and eating healthy food throughout the day. One package of oatmeal and greek yogurt for breakfast, eggsalad sandwich with celery sticks and peanut butter for lunch, and fruit to snack on. I even lost just over 5 lbs this week which is really encouraging. I know that when I start weight training again my weight loss will slow or stall because of the muscle mass I'll be adding, which is why I'm not focused too much on the scale, but I am happy to see that the fat will come off.
I forgot to take a picture of myself so I will have to make sure I do it this week and will post it next Friday.
So overall this wasn't a bad week for me. I didn't work out much this week. I'm still having a hard time figuring out a schedule that works enough for me to get into a routine. I need routine in order to stay consistent. I'm going to try something new next week. I'm changing my work hours so that I can go to work one hour later every morning. My husband will take the kids to daycare and I will do my runs before work. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I will go to the gym for weight training after work. I'm going to stick to the two workout programs I was doing in California until I get the routine down (Ease into 10K and iPersonalTrainer). These were working well for me then and are a good starting point for me. After I get back to where I was, I'll look at branching out with different routines and adding interval training. I'm not focused so much on being hard-core right now as I am just getting back into a pattern since I know that without a routine, I will ultimately fail. Hopefully the new schedule I've worked out will do the trick... especially since I can keep it once my oldest starts Kindergarten in August.
While I didn't do so well in the exercise department this week, I did great on the diet end. Hubs has been cooking every night... not super crazy diet food but generally healthy food with flavor. Many of his recipes have been from Epicurous and are delicious. I also have been taking my lunch to work and eating healthy food throughout the day. One package of oatmeal and greek yogurt for breakfast, eggsalad sandwich with celery sticks and peanut butter for lunch, and fruit to snack on. I even lost just over 5 lbs this week which is really encouraging. I know that when I start weight training again my weight loss will slow or stall because of the muscle mass I'll be adding, which is why I'm not focused too much on the scale, but I am happy to see that the fat will come off.
I forgot to take a picture of myself so I will have to make sure I do it this week and will post it next Friday.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Marriage Monday- Communication (WITH your spouse)
I have heard countless people, countless times say that the key to a successful marriage is good communication. Guess what? They're right. Why do so many couples fail to communicate with each other? It's common sense right? What makes us fail in this department over and over again? Honestly I have no idea.... but I know what works for Jim and I. In my opinion, every couple needs to take a step back once in a while and look at how they communicate with each other. Again, mostly common sense stuff but sometimes we can use a little reminder.
Typical scenario: Husband leaves socks rolled up in a ball on the floor. Wife rolls her eyes, maybe huffs a bit, and because she feels she has repeated herself a billion times, she automatically uses "the voice" and says something along the lines of, "How many times do I have to ask you to pickup your socks?" Husband interprets this as nagging and stops listening.
Is there communication going on here? Sure. Is it GOOD communication? No.
I don't know how many times I've had a friend talk to me about something his/her spouse does that drives them nuts. Maybe they had a fight about it or maybe he/she is just pissed. I'll ask, "Have you sat down and talked about it?" 9 times out of 10, they haven't.
When there is a problem between you and your spouse, you have to make a conscious effort to stop yourself from making a snap reaction. No matter what the problem is, no matter how big or small, you have to remain calm, sit down and explain what the issue is without being accusative. Then come up with a solution TOGETHER. That part seems to be difficult for people. Don't tell your spouse what you're gonna do or what they need to do. Talk about it and decide together on something that is do-able and satisfactory for both of you. While you should avoid quick angry reactions, you also shouldn't let something go for a week without talking about it. Address problems once you've calmed down but as soon as possible. If you sit and stew in your anger for a week, something that is really a small problem could end up huge because not only have you been building up more anger, but this whole time, you're spouse didn't know there was a problem and may have done the offending behavior four more times that week.
I mentioned previously that I have been married before. I learned a LOT about communication from my first marriage... too bad I didn't learn it until after we were already divorced. My ex loved video games. He played them all the time. He played them instead of looking for jobs or even having sex. I got frustrated and nagged at him about it all the time. "Why don't you ever spend time with me?" "Why don't you get off the video games and look for a job?" He also loved his truck and spent way too much money on after market parts for it. I nagged at him about that too. "You're spending money on that again?" I thought I was talking and communicating but I wasn't, or I wasn't doing it effectively anyway. We talked one time a couple years after our divorce and actually communicated. He didn't realize that I was so stressed about money and that I wanted to spend more time together. I thought I was telling him this but I wasn't. I was nagging and talking out of anger and not getting my point across. And because of how I talked to him, he got defensive or annoyed right away and didn't listen to me. I was communicating but not the right message. My ex's problem was that he didn't talk at all. He told me after our divorce that if I had just sat down and played video games WITH him once in a while, he would have been more inclined to stop playing and spend time doing other things with me. He wanted me to take an interest in his hobby. He also said that if I had sat down with him and explained our financial situation calmly, he might have understood better why he needed to stop spending so much money on his truck. He didn't realize why I had been so upset all the time. But he never told me any of that when we were married! I also wasn't very encouraging. I never told him when he did a good job at anything; I only pointed out when he screwed up. No wonder why he tuned me out!
I have made a conscious effort to not repeat any of those communication errors with Hubs. We both make sure that if we have an issue, we talk about it as calmly as possible. If we start to get angry or raise our voices, we pause and come back to it after we've calmed down and have had time to think. It was difficult for me to do that at first. I thought yelling just meant I was passionate about what I was saying and that it was perfectly ok. News flash.... it's not okay. Yelling and saying things out of anger is totally unproductive. Now it is totally natural for me to stop myself and ask Hubs if I can think for a minute before we finish the conversation. Or I'll just say, "I'm getting really angry, can we finish this talk later?" It felt awkward at first but now I don't even think about it. The trick is that you have to make sure you come back to it. Preferably within a day. Otherwise you could fall into the "I'm getting angry let's talk about it later but we really never end up talking about it" trap.
Also remember that you are communicating ALL the time. What you wear, how you move around the house, how you look at your spouse, your tone of voice, how you talk to others in front of your spouse (I'll talk more about this in another post.)... You are communicating through all these things. Do I mean you have to look beautiful and gaze longingly at your husband while strutting around the house all the time? No. But when you wear your most unattractive PJ's to bed every night and leave the teddy in the dresser drawer, you're communicating. When something is visibly bothering you and you don't talk to your spouse about it, you're communicating. When you zone out watching t.v. every night, you're communicating. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean to say that you should read into everything your spouse does to look for a hidden massage. I've pointed out these things to show you ways that YOU can improve the messages YOU send to your spouse every day. Take out the teddy every so often. Smile at your spouse across the dinner table. Hand the t.v. remote to your spouse once in a while. If something is bothering you, even if it doesn't have to do with your spouse, talk about it. When you're excited about something, tell your spouse. That kind of communication leads to better intimacy and is very important. It builds trust, confidence and companionship between you. Your spouse should be your best friend. I have gotten to the point where if I find out good or bad news, hear a rumor, find out secret, or hear about a job opportunity, I can't wait to go home and tell Hubs all about it because he is my best friend.
Communication really is key in a great marriage. The better your communication is, the better your sex life, finances, parenting, and overall contentment will be. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface on this topic, but it will be a recurring theme throughout my Marriage Monday posts because it goes hand-in-hand with so many other topics and because it is SO important.
Typical scenario: Husband leaves socks rolled up in a ball on the floor. Wife rolls her eyes, maybe huffs a bit, and because she feels she has repeated herself a billion times, she automatically uses "the voice" and says something along the lines of, "How many times do I have to ask you to pickup your socks?" Husband interprets this as nagging and stops listening.
Is there communication going on here? Sure. Is it GOOD communication? No.
I don't know how many times I've had a friend talk to me about something his/her spouse does that drives them nuts. Maybe they had a fight about it or maybe he/she is just pissed. I'll ask, "Have you sat down and talked about it?" 9 times out of 10, they haven't.
When there is a problem between you and your spouse, you have to make a conscious effort to stop yourself from making a snap reaction. No matter what the problem is, no matter how big or small, you have to remain calm, sit down and explain what the issue is without being accusative. Then come up with a solution TOGETHER. That part seems to be difficult for people. Don't tell your spouse what you're gonna do or what they need to do. Talk about it and decide together on something that is do-able and satisfactory for both of you. While you should avoid quick angry reactions, you also shouldn't let something go for a week without talking about it. Address problems once you've calmed down but as soon as possible. If you sit and stew in your anger for a week, something that is really a small problem could end up huge because not only have you been building up more anger, but this whole time, you're spouse didn't know there was a problem and may have done the offending behavior four more times that week.
I mentioned previously that I have been married before. I learned a LOT about communication from my first marriage... too bad I didn't learn it until after we were already divorced. My ex loved video games. He played them all the time. He played them instead of looking for jobs or even having sex. I got frustrated and nagged at him about it all the time. "Why don't you ever spend time with me?" "Why don't you get off the video games and look for a job?" He also loved his truck and spent way too much money on after market parts for it. I nagged at him about that too. "You're spending money on that again?" I thought I was talking and communicating but I wasn't, or I wasn't doing it effectively anyway. We talked one time a couple years after our divorce and actually communicated. He didn't realize that I was so stressed about money and that I wanted to spend more time together. I thought I was telling him this but I wasn't. I was nagging and talking out of anger and not getting my point across. And because of how I talked to him, he got defensive or annoyed right away and didn't listen to me. I was communicating but not the right message. My ex's problem was that he didn't talk at all. He told me after our divorce that if I had just sat down and played video games WITH him once in a while, he would have been more inclined to stop playing and spend time doing other things with me. He wanted me to take an interest in his hobby. He also said that if I had sat down with him and explained our financial situation calmly, he might have understood better why he needed to stop spending so much money on his truck. He didn't realize why I had been so upset all the time. But he never told me any of that when we were married! I also wasn't very encouraging. I never told him when he did a good job at anything; I only pointed out when he screwed up. No wonder why he tuned me out!
I have made a conscious effort to not repeat any of those communication errors with Hubs. We both make sure that if we have an issue, we talk about it as calmly as possible. If we start to get angry or raise our voices, we pause and come back to it after we've calmed down and have had time to think. It was difficult for me to do that at first. I thought yelling just meant I was passionate about what I was saying and that it was perfectly ok. News flash.... it's not okay. Yelling and saying things out of anger is totally unproductive. Now it is totally natural for me to stop myself and ask Hubs if I can think for a minute before we finish the conversation. Or I'll just say, "I'm getting really angry, can we finish this talk later?" It felt awkward at first but now I don't even think about it. The trick is that you have to make sure you come back to it. Preferably within a day. Otherwise you could fall into the "I'm getting angry let's talk about it later but we really never end up talking about it" trap.
Also remember that you are communicating ALL the time. What you wear, how you move around the house, how you look at your spouse, your tone of voice, how you talk to others in front of your spouse (I'll talk more about this in another post.)... You are communicating through all these things. Do I mean you have to look beautiful and gaze longingly at your husband while strutting around the house all the time? No. But when you wear your most unattractive PJ's to bed every night and leave the teddy in the dresser drawer, you're communicating. When something is visibly bothering you and you don't talk to your spouse about it, you're communicating. When you zone out watching t.v. every night, you're communicating. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean to say that you should read into everything your spouse does to look for a hidden massage. I've pointed out these things to show you ways that YOU can improve the messages YOU send to your spouse every day. Take out the teddy every so often. Smile at your spouse across the dinner table. Hand the t.v. remote to your spouse once in a while. If something is bothering you, even if it doesn't have to do with your spouse, talk about it. When you're excited about something, tell your spouse. That kind of communication leads to better intimacy and is very important. It builds trust, confidence and companionship between you. Your spouse should be your best friend. I have gotten to the point where if I find out good or bad news, hear a rumor, find out secret, or hear about a job opportunity, I can't wait to go home and tell Hubs all about it because he is my best friend.
Communication really is key in a great marriage. The better your communication is, the better your sex life, finances, parenting, and overall contentment will be. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface on this topic, but it will be a recurring theme throughout my Marriage Monday posts because it goes hand-in-hand with so many other topics and because it is SO important.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Fitness Fridays
In addition to Marriage Mondays, I'm going to be starting up Fitness Fridays. I will post a 'before' picture which is really an 'in progress' picture but this is the first time I've started keeping track of my fitness progress. Maybe if I put pictures out there, I'll feel a bit more pressure to get serious. I was doing really great when I was in California by myself for work. I was working out every day and seeing some real progress. I even did a Warrior Dash and ran 10k for the first time in my life. Now that I've been back home with the kids and normal life for a while, I've totally gotten out of my workout routine and have gained 10 lbs. I didn't realize how hard it would be to find time to work out while working and taking care of 3 kids. I NEED to figure this out. As I go through this journey, I will be posting pictures as well as what has been working for me. I weigh 150lbs right now. My goal is to get below 135 (although my appearance is more important than the number) and I want to see my abs. I also would like to run a half marathon next year.
So here it goes.... see you Friday!
So here it goes.... see you Friday!
Marriage Mondays
I'm going to start a new series of posts, "Marriage Mondays" and hopefully I can get a post done every week. I'm going to write about marriage obviously... mostly about what works for my husband and I and what not to do. There are two main reasons why I've decided to do this. I'm not trying to sound arrogant but several people in the last few months have made comments to me about how great my marriage is, or how well Hubs and I work together, or how happy we are. Granted, we have our slumps just like any normal couple but I want to share with other people what we do to try and keep our marriage the best that it can be. The second reason I want to start this series is because we have seen couples splitting up all around us. Many of our friends are getting divorced and given the high divorce rate in this country, I'm sure it's not just our friends that are doing the divorcing. Divorce is everywhere. If I can help even one couple stay together, then this blog will have done something good and I will be happy.
Before I start the series, I'd like to give a little history of my husband and I so you can get to know me a little better and see the 'history' behind some of my forthcoming ideas.
Hubs is not my first husband. I myself have been through the "Big D". I got married shortly after high school to someone that just wasn't right for me. We fought a lot, had different life goals, were at different maturity levels; it just wasn't good. Despite all that, I wanted to stay with him but I think we had inflicted too much pain on each other and there was no going back. He asked me for a divorce about 2 years after we had gotten married and I reluctantly accepted. There was no way I was going to change his mind... which I learned after several attempts. While I was devastated, I learned a lot about what NOT to do from that marriage. After we divorced, I saw so clearly what I could have done differently. Amazing how that happens.... everything is so clear when you pull yourself out of a situation.
Hubs and I met in early 2005, started dating in June of that year and were married in November. I started dating him because I wanted to just have fun and not have a serious relationship. I NEVER would have believed you if you told me I would end up married to him. Little did I know that 5 months later we would be in Lake Tahoe in someone's spare bedroom that they'd made into a "chapel", wearing blue jeans, saying the big "I do." (Classy, right?)
After we had been married for about 3 1/2 years, we went through a slump. It felt like we were roommates that slept together. There was no connection. We were bored. Everything was mechanical. "Bye, I love you." "Goodnight, I love you." All the obligatory phrases were said at the obligatory times and that was it. Robots, that's what we were. We decided to get a divorce. We even made out financial plans to split, figured out who would have the kids, decided on child support; it was a done deal. But neither of us really wanted it. One night I sat down and said, "Look, I don't know if I want to get divorced. We got married. We made a commitment. We need to decide what we are going to do." Hubs said we should try to make our marriage work. I told him, we aren't going to TRY. We are either all in, or not in at all. We are either going to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work, TOGETHER, or we are screwed. We decided to work it out, pour ourselves into our marriage, and stick together, and it has been great. That was the turning point in our marriage. Maybe we needed to know we were both really IN it. Maybe we just needed a wake-up call. I don't know what it was but after that, we really changed. Now we have a better marriage than I could have ever hoped for. We are raising three great kids together, we never fight (although we never really did before either), and we even made it through 14 months of separation due to my job with no hiccups whatsoever.
We are real people. We are busy people. We both work. We disagree sometimes. We go through a slump here and there. But we make our marriage a priority and don't allow those things to break us apart. You can do it too.
See you Monday!
This is us on our 'classy' wedding night almost 7 years ago. We spent most of the evening in a casino and didn't even tell the people we were with that we had eloped before meeting up with them.
Before I start the series, I'd like to give a little history of my husband and I so you can get to know me a little better and see the 'history' behind some of my forthcoming ideas.
Hubs is not my first husband. I myself have been through the "Big D". I got married shortly after high school to someone that just wasn't right for me. We fought a lot, had different life goals, were at different maturity levels; it just wasn't good. Despite all that, I wanted to stay with him but I think we had inflicted too much pain on each other and there was no going back. He asked me for a divorce about 2 years after we had gotten married and I reluctantly accepted. There was no way I was going to change his mind... which I learned after several attempts. While I was devastated, I learned a lot about what NOT to do from that marriage. After we divorced, I saw so clearly what I could have done differently. Amazing how that happens.... everything is so clear when you pull yourself out of a situation.
Hubs and I met in early 2005, started dating in June of that year and were married in November. I started dating him because I wanted to just have fun and not have a serious relationship. I NEVER would have believed you if you told me I would end up married to him. Little did I know that 5 months later we would be in Lake Tahoe in someone's spare bedroom that they'd made into a "chapel", wearing blue jeans, saying the big "I do." (Classy, right?)
After we had been married for about 3 1/2 years, we went through a slump. It felt like we were roommates that slept together. There was no connection. We were bored. Everything was mechanical. "Bye, I love you." "Goodnight, I love you." All the obligatory phrases were said at the obligatory times and that was it. Robots, that's what we were. We decided to get a divorce. We even made out financial plans to split, figured out who would have the kids, decided on child support; it was a done deal. But neither of us really wanted it. One night I sat down and said, "Look, I don't know if I want to get divorced. We got married. We made a commitment. We need to decide what we are going to do." Hubs said we should try to make our marriage work. I told him, we aren't going to TRY. We are either all in, or not in at all. We are either going to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work, TOGETHER, or we are screwed. We decided to work it out, pour ourselves into our marriage, and stick together, and it has been great. That was the turning point in our marriage. Maybe we needed to know we were both really IN it. Maybe we just needed a wake-up call. I don't know what it was but after that, we really changed. Now we have a better marriage than I could have ever hoped for. We are raising three great kids together, we never fight (although we never really did before either), and we even made it through 14 months of separation due to my job with no hiccups whatsoever.
We are real people. We are busy people. We both work. We disagree sometimes. We go through a slump here and there. But we make our marriage a priority and don't allow those things to break us apart. You can do it too.
See you Monday!
This is us on our 'classy' wedding night almost 7 years ago. We spent most of the evening in a casino and didn't even tell the people we were with that we had eloped before meeting up with them.
Friday, May 18, 2012
I'm not ready for Kindergarten.
I registered my oldest kid for kindergarten yesterday. I kept making jokes beforehand about how I was gonna cry but I didn't think I actually would. Well I did. A lot.
My husband and I walked into the school and I was looking around at the building, the kids going to band class, the little projects on the wall.... I felt like it wasn't that long ago that I was spending my days in a building like that. Time goes by SO fast. I let my husband handle all the registration stuff because I felt myself getting emotional. I kept yelling at myself in my head, "You will NOT cry in this building. You will wait till you get in the car." I didn't make it to the car. I barely made it to the door of the school.
My 3 kids are all in the same daycare right now. In my mind, daycare is this safe place where all my kids are together. It's comfortable. It's home. It's familiar. School is this big old scary building where my son will be all alone with new scary people and new scary teachers. I'm sure he'll be fine but I was terrified enough for both of us. I don't want him to grow up. I want him to stay in daycare forever. Next year I'll be registering my younger son for kindergarten (that is, if he can ever stop crapping his pants) but hopefully by then I'll know the drill and won't be a big blubbering baby.
I'm not ready. I'm not ready for kindergarten.
My husband and I walked into the school and I was looking around at the building, the kids going to band class, the little projects on the wall.... I felt like it wasn't that long ago that I was spending my days in a building like that. Time goes by SO fast. I let my husband handle all the registration stuff because I felt myself getting emotional. I kept yelling at myself in my head, "You will NOT cry in this building. You will wait till you get in the car." I didn't make it to the car. I barely made it to the door of the school.
My 3 kids are all in the same daycare right now. In my mind, daycare is this safe place where all my kids are together. It's comfortable. It's home. It's familiar. School is this big old scary building where my son will be all alone with new scary people and new scary teachers. I'm sure he'll be fine but I was terrified enough for both of us. I don't want him to grow up. I want him to stay in daycare forever. Next year I'll be registering my younger son for kindergarten (that is, if he can ever stop crapping his pants) but hopefully by then I'll know the drill and won't be a big blubbering baby.
I'm not ready. I'm not ready for kindergarten.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Bad and Sweet
Sometimes I wonder if my 3-year old is headed for trouble when he gets older. My 4-year old is sweet and loves everything happy, funny, smiley and good. Little Brother could not be more opposite.
One of their favorite movies is The Lion King and of course Big Brother loves all the happy parts. He could sing Hakuna Matata in his sleep. Little Brother on the other hand thinks Scar is the best thing since sliced bread and loves the part where Scar does his song and dance about killing Mufasa. What the heck? I hated that part of the movie when I was a kid.
He likes everything that is bad.
We watched ET for the first time the other day. Big Brother goes, "Mommy, I like good aliens." and Little Brother, right away says in the little voice he uses when he wants to sound menacing, "Mommy, I like the bad aliens."
I guess he doesn't always like the bad guys. Sometimes he comes up with long random explanations detailing what he would do to a bad guy. "Mommy, if I saw *insert bad guy here* I would punch him and kick him and break his arm and throw a bed on him and then I would smash him and lawnmower him until he was dead." Where does he come up with this stuff? I'm not sure if his zeal for 'lawnmowering' a bad guy makes me feel much better than if he just liked the bad guy.
He does have a sweet side though; he just doesn't show it like Big Brother does. For example, the other night I was putting him to bed and he asked me if I was going to bed too. I explained that I had some things to do first. He asked if I was going to bed after that and I said yes. Then he started the 'menacing voice' and I waited to see what I was in for, but to my surprise he said, "Mommy, after you go to bed, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna sneak in your bed and I'm gonna snuggle you."
Oh Little Brother.....
One of their favorite movies is The Lion King and of course Big Brother loves all the happy parts. He could sing Hakuna Matata in his sleep. Little Brother on the other hand thinks Scar is the best thing since sliced bread and loves the part where Scar does his song and dance about killing Mufasa. What the heck? I hated that part of the movie when I was a kid.
He likes everything that is bad.
We watched ET for the first time the other day. Big Brother goes, "Mommy, I like good aliens." and Little Brother, right away says in the little voice he uses when he wants to sound menacing, "Mommy, I like the bad aliens."
I guess he doesn't always like the bad guys. Sometimes he comes up with long random explanations detailing what he would do to a bad guy. "Mommy, if I saw *insert bad guy here* I would punch him and kick him and break his arm and throw a bed on him and then I would smash him and lawnmower him until he was dead." Where does he come up with this stuff? I'm not sure if his zeal for 'lawnmowering' a bad guy makes me feel much better than if he just liked the bad guy.
He does have a sweet side though; he just doesn't show it like Big Brother does. For example, the other night I was putting him to bed and he asked me if I was going to bed too. I explained that I had some things to do first. He asked if I was going to bed after that and I said yes. Then he started the 'menacing voice' and I waited to see what I was in for, but to my surprise he said, "Mommy, after you go to bed, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna sneak in your bed and I'm gonna snuggle you."
Oh Little Brother.....
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I'm home.
Well, I made it home to my kids and husband. The year of separation is over and we made it out the other side! Yay! I'm thrilled. My kids are thrilled. Everyone is thrilled. However, 4 days after getting here I had a meltdown and ended up crying like a baby. I did not expect to have so much to do! There was a man and 3 small children in this house for over a year and it shows! My husband did a great job with our kids and I know he was very busy... and now I'm going to be VERY busy. I feel like our house is filthy. There is dirt in every crevice... around the floorboards, the white cabinets, around the shower... everywhere I look I see another project. The furnace is making funny noises, the car was making funny noises (I say was because we took care of that by trading it in for a new mini van. yay!!), the gutters need to be cleaned, and my yard looks like that of a hillbilly who doesn't own a single gardening tool. I haven't unpacked anything yet because in order to do that, I need to clean out the closet. My shipment of stuff hasn't arrived from California yet so that will bring MORE unpacking and on top of all that, we are adding an 8 week old puppy into the mix in a few weeks. Plus I need to paint several rooms of the house because I either hate the color or the walls still have spackle spots on them from when we moved in.
I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. It's not all going to get done over night or even in a week or month and I have accepted that. It will probably be a few months before this place starts looking like home again. Right now I am just looking forward to the new bed that will be delivered tomorrow. Maybe after I get a few nights of sleep where I'm not tossing and turning all night and waking up with horrible back pain I'll have a little more energy to get cracking on all of this.
At least everyone is happy and healthy and that is what's most important. The rest is just details. Just don't expect any summer parties at our house this year. No one is coming to this house with it looking like this! :)
I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. It's not all going to get done over night or even in a week or month and I have accepted that. It will probably be a few months before this place starts looking like home again. Right now I am just looking forward to the new bed that will be delivered tomorrow. Maybe after I get a few nights of sleep where I'm not tossing and turning all night and waking up with horrible back pain I'll have a little more energy to get cracking on all of this.
At least everyone is happy and healthy and that is what's most important. The rest is just details. Just don't expect any summer parties at our house this year. No one is coming to this house with it looking like this! :)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Unexpected Emotions
As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been separated from my husband and children for about a year for work purposes. It has been a year full of different emotions, some expected, some unexpected. Missing my only daughter's first birthday, first words, first steps.... hearing that my sons often whined for Mommy at bedtime... not being with them for the holidays; those were things I expected to be difficult. People would often say to me, "You are so strong. I could never do what you are doing and be separated from my children for so long." I know they mean well but sometimes all I get from that is, "I love my kids too much to leave them like that so you must not love yours as much as I love mine." I know it's my guilt talking but really, telling me how much you couldn't leave your children doesn't make me feel better about the fact that I have been able to leave mine.... especially when there were times that I enjoyed this last year, which was something I didn't expect.
There are things about this year that I hated, but as much as I hated it, I enjoyed it too. I did some sightseeing, started running and lifting weights, and enjoyed my alone-time. I didn't think I could ever get used to being without my children but I did, which makes me feel guilty. Does it mean I love my children any less? No. It just means I learned to adapt; but I still feel guilt in the back of my mind. I guess that guilt should be reassuring since it proves that I love my family. If I didn't, I wouldn't feel guilty right?
As this year comes to a close and I look forward to going back to live with my beautiful family again, I'm filled with a whole new set of mixed emotions. Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED and totally excited and happy to get to be with my children and husband again. But there is this small part of me that is a little anxious. I've been so focused on how I will get my children re-adjusted to having mommy in the house again that I haven't considered the possibility that I will need to do some re-adjusting of my own. I'm sure everything will go back to normal when I get home and I and my children will all adjust just fine but I can't help but feel guilty (again) at the fact that I even need to adjust to life with my own children. I know I'm not the only person that has ever felt this way and that is comforting. I also know there are people who have never spent a day away from their children who wouldn't understand at all what I am feeling. This year has definitely given me a new respect for people who frequently have to be separated from their kids for long periods of time. It sucks.
There are things about this year that I hated, but as much as I hated it, I enjoyed it too. I did some sightseeing, started running and lifting weights, and enjoyed my alone-time. I didn't think I could ever get used to being without my children but I did, which makes me feel guilty. Does it mean I love my children any less? No. It just means I learned to adapt; but I still feel guilt in the back of my mind. I guess that guilt should be reassuring since it proves that I love my family. If I didn't, I wouldn't feel guilty right?
As this year comes to a close and I look forward to going back to live with my beautiful family again, I'm filled with a whole new set of mixed emotions. Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED and totally excited and happy to get to be with my children and husband again. But there is this small part of me that is a little anxious. I've been so focused on how I will get my children re-adjusted to having mommy in the house again that I haven't considered the possibility that I will need to do some re-adjusting of my own. I'm sure everything will go back to normal when I get home and I and my children will all adjust just fine but I can't help but feel guilty (again) at the fact that I even need to adjust to life with my own children. I know I'm not the only person that has ever felt this way and that is comforting. I also know there are people who have never spent a day away from their children who wouldn't understand at all what I am feeling. This year has definitely given me a new respect for people who frequently have to be separated from their kids for long periods of time. It sucks.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
I Have an Idea.... Again.
I've often thought about writing a book. I get ideas for fiction novels all the time but I don't write them down or do anything with them. I started writing a book in junior high once. My teacher was editing it for me but come on, I was junior high... The book wasn't going to become a New York Times best seller. I got another idea for a novel this past week and I particularly like this one. I'm actually thinking about giving it a shot but honestly, I'm terrified. I don't consider myself to be a talented writer. Actually, I KNOW I'm not a talented writer. I know this because every time I turn in an English paper, I'm pretty sure my instructor has to buy a new red pen. However, I'm still thinking about giving it a try. After all, authors have editors for a reason right?
Grammar and spelling aren't what terrifies me though. What terrifies me is that if I write a book, in order for it to ever become an actual book, someone will have to read it. That scares the crap out of me. I've read a lot of really great novels... but I've also started a lot of novels that I put down after a few chapters because they were crap. I don't want to write crap. What if I spend a year pouring words onto page after page only to have someone tell me it's horrible and will never be published... or worse, have it end up on the cheesy romance novel 99 cent rack? I don't want to write a cheesy romance novel. I don't want Harlequin stamped across the top. I want to write a book that draws you in, that makes you fall in love with the characters, that makes you stay up late at night wanting to read just one more page. The problem is, I don't know if I can do that. I firmly believe that character development is the most important aspect for writing a good fiction novel. That also happens to be the hardest part about writing for me. I have scenes already planned out in my head but how do I make them come alive to people? How do I draw a reader in? I have no idea.
I told my latest idea to my husband, and although it isn't his genre of choice, he had some pretty good ideas for character development that I hadn't thought of. He thinks I should go for it. But he is also my amazingly supportive husband that would stand behind me for any stupid idea I come up with. Still, knowing he's behind me, believing in me, just might be the fuel I need. If all my discussions with him are as productive as the one we had the other day, I may even have to put him down as a co-author. :)
I think I'm going to just start writing and see where it goes and hope it doesn't go to the bottom of a bargain bin at Wal-Mart. I'm going to need a good editor.....
Grammar and spelling aren't what terrifies me though. What terrifies me is that if I write a book, in order for it to ever become an actual book, someone will have to read it. That scares the crap out of me. I've read a lot of really great novels... but I've also started a lot of novels that I put down after a few chapters because they were crap. I don't want to write crap. What if I spend a year pouring words onto page after page only to have someone tell me it's horrible and will never be published... or worse, have it end up on the cheesy romance novel 99 cent rack? I don't want to write a cheesy romance novel. I don't want Harlequin stamped across the top. I want to write a book that draws you in, that makes you fall in love with the characters, that makes you stay up late at night wanting to read just one more page. The problem is, I don't know if I can do that. I firmly believe that character development is the most important aspect for writing a good fiction novel. That also happens to be the hardest part about writing for me. I have scenes already planned out in my head but how do I make them come alive to people? How do I draw a reader in? I have no idea.
I told my latest idea to my husband, and although it isn't his genre of choice, he had some pretty good ideas for character development that I hadn't thought of. He thinks I should go for it. But he is also my amazingly supportive husband that would stand behind me for any stupid idea I come up with. Still, knowing he's behind me, believing in me, just might be the fuel I need. If all my discussions with him are as productive as the one we had the other day, I may even have to put him down as a co-author. :)
I think I'm going to just start writing and see where it goes and hope it doesn't go to the bottom of a bargain bin at Wal-Mart. I'm going to need a good editor.....
The Magical World of Dreamland
They say everyone dreams but not everyone remembers their dreams. My husband is one of those people. I think during our entire marriage he's only had about 2 dreams that he vaguely remembered. I on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I sometimes feel like I have a whole second life when I'm sleeping. I have at least one dream that I remember at least 4 nights a week and they are very vivid.
When I was little, I saw a lot of violence. My step-father at the time, beat my mother pretty often and I saw most of it. At that time child abuse was a big deal and your kids could get taken away in a heartbeat but if you beat your wife, you got one night in the slammer and then it was business as usual. I figured out early on that if I got in the way when he was hitting my mother, I could interrupt the beating session because he didn't want to hit me and I started trying to protect her. To this day, I have very clear memories from that time in my life and I am very grateful that my brother was too young to remember any of it. Why am I telling you this? Because that is when my dreams started.... or I should say nightmares.
Shortly after my mom split up with that idiot, I started having vivid, terrifying nightmares. They lasted for years. I would wake up screaming and would often times end up in bed with my mother. She tried everything to make them stop... she even bought me a dream catcher to hang over my bed and told me it would filter out the bad dreams and only let the good ones through. That worked for a while but eventually the nightmares came back. As I got older, the nightmares matured but I no longer went running into my mother's room. I can remember waking up some nights and being terrified to get up or make a sound and definitely couldn't go back to sleep. I think I was around 10 years old when I went to a friend's house and saw my first horror movie. (They were not allowed in our house.) It was "Nightmare on Elm Street" and although it is a movie that would give most young kids nightmares, I think it actually may have cured mine because shortly after seeing that movie, my nightmares ended and I developed one of my favorite dream habits; lucid dreaming.
I don't remember that movie well but I do remember that the main character would have nightmares about Freddie Krueger who would try to kill her in the dream. The way she defeats him in the end had something to do with her ability to realize she is dreaming and then she can control the situation. After seeing that movie I thought that if I could do that, if I could realize I'm dreaming during a nightmare, then I could end it. It worked. I didn't understand it fully at the time, but I actually taught myself to lucid dream.
It was a slow process. At first, I could recognize I was in a nightmare but I couldn't do anything about it. I would be completely frozen in the dream and couldn't even run away, which actually made it more scary. After that phase came the phase where I would just wake up once I realized I was dreaming. Eventually I got to the point where I could realize I was in a dream, stay asleep, and completely take control of what happened. This is now one of my favorite parts about sleeping.
I rarely have nightmares now but at least a few times a month I will be dreaming, realize I'm dreaming and then proceed to do all the things I can't do in real life. I've had dates with movie stars, bought billion dollar houses, travelled, told people off, quit my job... you name it... I've done it from the comfort of my warm bed.
I recently googled lucid dreaming because I was curious as to whether or not it could be used as a treatment for nightmares. Of course it's been done, but I say screw paying a gazillion bucks on therapy and pop in a Freddie Krueger movie and you'll be all set. :)
Sometimes I wonder if my brain actually works better when I'm sleeping. My husband and I often chat about life when we are in bed before we fall asleep. We talk about problems or plans we have and mull over possibilities. Sometimes there will be a situation we just don't know how to handle and we drift off to sleep talking about it. My husband teases me because I will wake up in the morning with the a solution or plan that, according to him, has enough detail to fill up and hour-long power-point presentation. The first time he asked me how I came up with an idea like that, I thought about it and said, "I don't know. I went to sleep thinking about it and woke up with this idea. I must have figured it out in my sleep."
Maybe the reason he can sleep for 4 hours and be good to go for the day, while I need my 8 hours or I'm a zombie, is because his brain can actually shut off when he's sleeping and mine just keeps on working all night long.... but honestly, I like it that way.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
What was I gonna say?
I keep getting ideas for blog posts when I'm busy. I've been making 'mental notes' to come back and write about various topics when I have a spare moment but then when I do have some spare time, I forget every single topic I had wanted to write about. I think it's time to stop making mental notes and start taking a few minutes to jot down some real notes.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Adoption thoughts update
Hubby and I have continued to talk about adoption and have decided it is something we are definitely going to do but we are going to wait a few years. I can't part with the idea of a 4th baby....SO we are going to have baby number 4, work on buying a bigger house, and Hubby is going to finish his degree. Plus Hubby has some career options open to him that would allow me to be a stay-at-home mom at least until our kids are all in school. Once our youngest baby is about 3 or 4, we are going to start the process. I feel much better with the idea of waiting. I want to make sure we are ready for such a big step and we are really thinking about adopting siblings. I will feel much more comfortable with the idea of adopting children that are a little older if our kids aren't babies.
I'm excited to see where life takes us in the next few years. And I'm relieved to know that I will still get to enjoy one last baby.
I'm excited to see where life takes us in the next few years. And I'm relieved to know that I will still get to enjoy one last baby.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Acquired Tastes
I've been thinking a lot lately about acquired tastes. A lot of things in life can be considered an acquired taste. Foods, activities, drugs and alcohol... there a lot of things that aren't generally liked the first time they are tried but they grow on you after a few attempts. My question is, what makes us so willing to acquire tastes for things that are bad for us, but so unwilling to acquire tastes for things that are beneficial to us? Let me give you a few examples.....
There are a LOT of people who hate alcohol or coffee the first time they try them... or even the 2nd and 3rd time, but they KEEP trying them till they like them. But at the same time, there are a LOT of people who won't drink water or milk because they don't like them. Why are we so willing to work so hard to like alcohol and coffee but so unwilling to get used to milk and water? Social acceptance? Rebellion? What is it?
Cigarettes. Who actually likes the first cigarette they smoke? I'm guessing very few people think, "Oh yeah this smoke is delicious!" But they keep at it till they can't do without it. Going for a run or doing any type of exercise is also something that once you start, you begin to enjoy after a while but less people are willing to doing those activities. Why is that? We have a huge obesity rate in this county because people would rather get used to being fat and unable to move around or shop at the stores they want to than get used to a little physical activity. Why do we do that?
Maybe it's a motivation problem. Maybe we are motivated to fit in so we do things we think are cool at the time. Maybe it's a rebellion problem. Human nature wants us to like the negative stuff and despise the good stuff. I don't know what the answer is but it's an interesting thing to ponder.
Think about it. What things in your life have you gotten used to that you didn't like the first time you tried? What have you acquired a taste for? Look at the healthy/good things compared to the unhealthy/bad things you've forced yourself to get used to. Are there more negative ones? I challenge you to think about this and pick a couple of good and healthy things to force yourself to acquire a taste for. You would be surprised at what you can end up enjoying.
There are a LOT of people who hate alcohol or coffee the first time they try them... or even the 2nd and 3rd time, but they KEEP trying them till they like them. But at the same time, there are a LOT of people who won't drink water or milk because they don't like them. Why are we so willing to work so hard to like alcohol and coffee but so unwilling to get used to milk and water? Social acceptance? Rebellion? What is it?
Cigarettes. Who actually likes the first cigarette they smoke? I'm guessing very few people think, "Oh yeah this smoke is delicious!" But they keep at it till they can't do without it. Going for a run or doing any type of exercise is also something that once you start, you begin to enjoy after a while but less people are willing to doing those activities. Why is that? We have a huge obesity rate in this county because people would rather get used to being fat and unable to move around or shop at the stores they want to than get used to a little physical activity. Why do we do that?
Maybe it's a motivation problem. Maybe we are motivated to fit in so we do things we think are cool at the time. Maybe it's a rebellion problem. Human nature wants us to like the negative stuff and despise the good stuff. I don't know what the answer is but it's an interesting thing to ponder.
Think about it. What things in your life have you gotten used to that you didn't like the first time you tried? What have you acquired a taste for? Look at the healthy/good things compared to the unhealthy/bad things you've forced yourself to get used to. Are there more negative ones? I challenge you to think about this and pick a couple of good and healthy things to force yourself to acquire a taste for. You would be surprised at what you can end up enjoying.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sweet Child of Mine
I've always had a heart for children. I can't stand to see children suffering or hurting or being mistreated. It literally brings pain to my heart to read the horrid stories in the news about things people do to their own children or about children suffering or starving in far away places. I grew up with several families around me that did foster care and I always admired them. I thought that one day I would like to do something like that.... take care of children that had experienced so much pain and show them how life could be different. But my husband has never been too keen on the idea of foster care. He always gives me the "that's something we can talk about later" response. If it's meant to be, he'll come around. God will change his heart.
But recently I have felt tugged in a different direction. This is how it happened....
I am away from my family right now for a year-long class. I have started using this time to get closer to God. I've started reading my Bible daily and praying and as I've spent more time with God, the topic of children has been more on my heart than ever before. I know my purpose has something to do with kids... I just haven't been sure what that is. Then I started to feel like God has been showing me how lucky I am. My husband has been steadily getting better and better jobs making more and more money in the midst of a time where the economy is crumbling around us and I feel God telling me that this isn't happening to us because we are just special. There is a purpose for our life going this way and that purpose isn't just so that we can live a life of ease. So what is that purpose? Kids. Maybe it's kids.
Then a friend send me a blog she is writing about the process her and her husband are going through to adopt a child from Ethiopia. I was immediately intrigued. She, much like me, had always felt a desire to help children... but she knew she wanted to adopt and her husband did not like the idea. So she never brought it up again... she just prayed that God would change his heart and he did. Her husband decided he wanted to adopt and now they are doing it. As I finished reading her blog with tears streaming down my face, I thought, "Maybe Hubby and I could do this. Maybe we should adopt a child." I started praying about it right away and the feeling hasn't dissipated... it's only gotten stronger. But if Hubby didn't like the idea of foster care, he certainly wouldn't like the idea of adoption right? So I prayed. And cried. And prayed some more.
About a week ago, I decided to bring the idea up with Hubby. I told him I wanted to talk to him about something that was on my mind and I just wanted him to think and pray about it. I told him everything that had been happening in my mind and heart over the previous few weeks and he just listened. I was completely shocked at his response. He actually sounded excited about the idea and he said that as soon as I said I wanted to talk to him, he knew it was going to be about adoption.... a topic I hadn't really brought up before. He's the one that said one OR TWO! Two??? I had just wanted him to think about the idea and he's mentioning two?? Maybe God started working on Hubby's heart long before mine... after all, I would be much easier to convince to help a hurting child! I had tears streaming down my face when I hung up the phone. The first obstacle.... what I thought would be the most difficult one, isn't even an obstacle at all!
So now what? I feel almost sure that we should do this. But when? Where will the money come from? Do we have a 4th kid? Do we skip the 4th kid? Do we wait till our kids are older? What about all the other plans we had for our life? Do those change... do we stick to them? I have so many questions. I am a planner. Maybe God is trying to remind me that my plans are not my plans. My plans need to come from him. He has the perfect plan but how do I know what that is? This is the biggest test of faith that I have ever had because we really need to trust God completely with this decision. I am a doubter. What if I'm not hearing Him right? What if we do this at the wrong time? What if I get pregnant right when we are supposed to adopt? Will our house be big enough for all these kids? How will we buy a new house when we owe so much on ours? I feel like God is telling me not to worry about that... he will take care of it. But the obsessive planner in me has all these questions. How can I be sure we are doing the right thing?
If you are reading this, and you pray, please pray for us. I don't know what else to do right now besides pray. I was dead set on having a 4th baby but I'm not even sure if that will happen now and that is a hard decision for me. I don't know if God is trying to work on me to give up that last child or if we will still have another. I feel like I don't know anything... but I know I want to do this.
So child out there (or two), I don't know your name, I don't know where you are, I don't know how old you are or if you are a boy or a girl but I am praying for you. I pray that Jesus wraps you in his arms and gives you peace. Whoever you are, we will love you like our own child. I have already started to love you. Once God gives us the go ahead, we will come for you with open arms.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)