As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been separated from my husband and children for about a year for work purposes. It has been a year full of different emotions, some expected, some unexpected. Missing my only daughter's first birthday, first words, first steps.... hearing that my sons often whined for Mommy at bedtime... not being with them for the holidays; those were things I expected to be difficult. People would often say to me, "You are so strong. I could never do what you are doing and be separated from my children for so long." I know they mean well but sometimes all I get from that is, "I love my kids too much to leave them like that so you must not love yours as much as I love mine." I know it's my guilt talking but really, telling me how much you couldn't leave your children doesn't make me feel better about the fact that I have been able to leave mine.... especially when there were times that I enjoyed this last year, which was something I didn't expect.
There are things about this year that I hated, but as much as I hated it, I enjoyed it too. I did some sightseeing, started running and lifting weights, and enjoyed my alone-time. I didn't think I could ever get used to being without my children but I did, which makes me feel guilty. Does it mean I love my children any less? No. It just means I learned to adapt; but I still feel guilt in the back of my mind. I guess that guilt should be reassuring since it proves that I love my family. If I didn't, I wouldn't feel guilty right?
As this year comes to a close and I look forward to going back to live with my beautiful family again, I'm filled with a whole new set of mixed emotions. Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED and totally excited and happy to get to be with my children and husband again. But there is this small part of me that is a little anxious. I've been so focused on how I will get my children re-adjusted to having mommy in the house again that I haven't considered the possibility that I will need to do some re-adjusting of my own. I'm sure everything will go back to normal when I get home and I and my children will all adjust just fine but I can't help but feel guilty (again) at the fact that I even need to adjust to life with my own children. I know I'm not the only person that has ever felt this way and that is comforting. I also know there are people who have never spent a day away from their children who wouldn't understand at all what I am feeling. This year has definitely given me a new respect for people who frequently have to be separated from their kids for long periods of time. It sucks.
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