I have heard countless people, countless times say that the key to a successful marriage is good communication. Guess what? They're right. Why do so many couples fail to communicate with each other? It's common sense right? What makes us fail in this department over and over again? Honestly I have no idea.... but I know what works for Jim and I. In my opinion, every couple needs to take a step back once in a while and look at how they communicate with each other. Again, mostly common sense stuff but sometimes we can use a little reminder.
Typical scenario: Husband leaves socks rolled up in a ball on the floor. Wife rolls her eyes, maybe huffs a bit, and because she feels she has repeated herself a billion times, she automatically uses "the voice" and says something along the lines of, "How many times do I have to ask you to pickup your socks?" Husband interprets this as nagging and stops listening.
Is there communication going on here? Sure. Is it GOOD communication? No.
I don't know how many times I've had a friend talk to me about something his/her spouse does that drives them nuts. Maybe they had a fight about it or maybe he/she is just pissed. I'll ask, "Have you sat down and talked about it?" 9 times out of 10, they haven't.
When there is a problem between you and your spouse, you have to make a conscious effort to stop yourself from making a snap reaction. No matter what the problem is, no matter how big or small, you have to remain calm, sit down and explain what the issue is without being accusative. Then come up with a solution TOGETHER. That part seems to be difficult for people. Don't tell your spouse what you're gonna do or what they need to do. Talk about it and decide together on something that is do-able and satisfactory for both of you. While you should avoid quick angry reactions, you also shouldn't let something go for a week without talking about it. Address problems once you've calmed down but as soon as possible. If you sit and stew in your anger for a week, something that is really a small problem could end up huge because not only have you been building up more anger, but this whole time, you're spouse didn't know there was a problem and may have done the offending behavior four more times that week.
I mentioned previously that I have been married before. I learned a LOT about communication from my first marriage... too bad I didn't learn it until after we were already divorced. My ex loved video games. He played them all the time. He played them instead of looking for jobs or even having sex. I got frustrated and nagged at him about it all the time. "Why don't you ever spend time with me?" "Why don't you get off the video games and look for a job?" He also loved his truck and spent way too much money on after market parts for it. I nagged at him about that too. "You're spending money on that again?" I thought I was talking and communicating but I wasn't, or I wasn't doing it effectively anyway. We talked one time a couple years after our divorce and actually communicated. He didn't realize that I was so stressed about money and that I wanted to spend more time together. I thought I was telling him this but I wasn't. I was nagging and talking out of anger and not getting my point across. And because of how I talked to him, he got defensive or annoyed right away and didn't listen to me. I was communicating but not the right message. My ex's problem was that he didn't talk at all. He told me after our divorce that if I had just sat down and played video games WITH him once in a while, he would have been more inclined to stop playing and spend time doing other things with me. He wanted me to take an interest in his hobby. He also said that if I had sat down with him and explained our financial situation calmly, he might have understood better why he needed to stop spending so much money on his truck. He didn't realize why I had been so upset all the time. But he never told me any of that when we were married! I also wasn't very encouraging. I never told him when he did a good job at anything; I only pointed out when he screwed up. No wonder why he tuned me out!
I have made a conscious effort to not repeat any of those communication errors with Hubs. We both make sure that if we have an issue, we talk about it as calmly as possible. If we start to get angry or raise our voices, we pause and come back to it after we've calmed down and have had time to think. It was difficult for me to do that at first. I thought yelling just meant I was passionate about what I was saying and that it was perfectly ok. News flash.... it's not okay. Yelling and saying things out of anger is totally unproductive. Now it is totally natural for me to stop myself and ask Hubs if I can think for a minute before we finish the conversation. Or I'll just say, "I'm getting really angry, can we finish this talk later?" It felt awkward at first but now I don't even think about it. The trick is that you have to make sure you come back to it. Preferably within a day. Otherwise you could fall into the "I'm getting angry let's talk about it later but we really never end up talking about it" trap.
Also remember that you are communicating ALL the time. What you wear, how you move around the house, how you look at your spouse, your tone of voice, how you talk to others in front of your spouse (I'll talk more about this in another post.)... You are communicating through all these things. Do I mean you have to look beautiful and gaze longingly at your husband while strutting around the house all the time? No. But when you wear your most unattractive PJ's to bed every night and leave the teddy in the dresser drawer, you're communicating. When something is visibly bothering you and you don't talk to your spouse about it, you're communicating. When you zone out watching t.v. every night, you're communicating. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean to say that you should read into everything your spouse does to look for a hidden massage. I've pointed out these things to show you ways that YOU can improve the messages YOU send to your spouse every day. Take out the teddy every so often. Smile at your spouse across the dinner table. Hand the t.v. remote to your spouse once in a while. If something is bothering you, even if it doesn't have to do with your spouse, talk about it. When you're excited about something, tell your spouse. That kind of communication leads to better intimacy and is very important. It builds trust, confidence and companionship between you. Your spouse should be your best friend. I have gotten to the point where if I find out good or bad news, hear a rumor, find out secret, or hear about a job opportunity, I can't wait to go home and tell Hubs all about it because he is my best friend.
Communication really is key in a great marriage. The better your communication is, the better your sex life, finances, parenting, and overall contentment will be. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface on this topic, but it will be a recurring theme throughout my Marriage Monday posts because it goes hand-in-hand with so many other topics and because it is SO important.
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